Love, Or The Lack Thereof

Sunday, September 02, 2018

A lot has happened and changed. I am not the Yumi everyone knew 3-4 years ago and to be honest, I don't like who I am now. I'm not wallowing in self pity anymore. I'm through with that. I'm up again, fighting and holding on to whatever confidence that's left in me. I have been through a lot of abuse and I am sharing it now not because I wanna throw a pity party but because I want to help people who are going through the same things. No drama on this post. Just being real.

In contrast to my posts and/or photos on social media, I'm in a really dark place now fighting to get myself back.

Looking back, my whole life, I kinda accepted that I will never be enough for my family. When I was younger I used to be a huge people pleaser to the point where I would get in fights with my poor elementary classmates whenever they score higher than me in quizzes. Can you blame me? I wanted to please my family. I wanted to hear them tell me I'm smart and pretty and I want them to be proud of me. Instead, I hear them comparing me to their friend's kids and telling me I should do more as if I lack so much.

 I know some of you must be rolling your eyes thinking, "It's normal for Asians, don't make a big out of it." Thing is, I was 7. Do you honestly think a 7-yr old girl would think that? I remember only wanting approval, acceptance, and love.

Don't get me wrong... my parents tell me they love me; but I don't really feel it. Can you blame me? I mean... I was always on the top 3 of my class when I was in gradeschool and one day my mom told me I'm embarrassing her and she pulled my hair while telling me what a disgrace I was because I ranked 5 in my class on the 4th quarter. It never stopped there. I got a lot more of those growing up. I just can't share it publicly in detail because a lot of physical abuse also happened.

Years passed and I started to accept that this is how my family will always be and I tried to get myself up and I was able to work on my self esteem when I got into highschool. It was a boarding school so I barely saw my family which helped a lot in my emotional development. However, being raised thinking that I should please people I love for them to love me back, I found myself giving gifts a lot trying to gain everyone's favor. pathetic. I'm glad my friends helped me through this, assuring me in little ways everyday that they love me and nothing I say or do will change that. Shout out to Arveen, Cielo, and Rain.

That was also the time I started attending youth services every Friday at church. I learned that unconditional love is the love that we should all aim to give because conditional love is mediocre. conditional love is fake love. Conditional love says, "I only love you only when it's convenient for me."

Fast forward to college. I had my first boyfriend who, after using me to get by some school expenses, cheated on me. The death of my only ally, my grandma, followed shortly after. It broke me and I battled with depression for a while. I survived and came out stronger. I volunteered in a lot of organizations and got into an exchange student program to Japan and graduated. I have never felt so alive my entire life and it just feels like I finally have atleast one part of my life under control and falling into place.

My life is full of ups and downs and It's kinda draining at times. I still have days where I think that it's better to just disappear. Infact I feel like the more I find confidence in myself, the more people I love try to put me down. Actually, no. This isn't just a feeling. I secretly record them sometimes. They do belittle me. Sometimes, I just tune out and try to be numb about it. Truth is, you can never be numb when it's the people you love who belittles you.  

I let myself love someone again, bringing with me the confidence I spent a lot of time building. All I can say is I have never felt so unworthy and undeserving my entire life. At the same time, I learned that kind words are everything because it is also words that have been tearing down my confidence. 

It shaped me into being the person I am today. Today I am telling you that love isn't about what you can bring to the table. Because, following that logic, people who have nothing to offer aren't deserving of love. WRONG. Unconditional love (real love) is being able to show and speak love even when the other person lacks so much. It's so hard to love unconditionally these days because they label it as being "martyr" and make it seem like a bad thing or a weakness. No. God showed us unconditional love. Your siblings, if not your parents, shows you unconditional love. To be able to love unconditionally is strength in itself. 

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